Lost in Translation, dir. Sofia Coppola, 2003.
WHAT. SHOW. IS. THIS.
well i’m sitting here listening to the catching fire soundtrack (particularly atlas by coldplay) and it just has so much emotion in it i feel like i’m drowning.
everything has been really hard for me lately. i don’t know why. probably because I have so much stuff going on. I feel like I have to put SO much effort into everything I do and it just feels like I have to strain to pick myself right back up again after I get something finished because it’s just this continuous cycle of STUFF happening over and over and over. and there’s never any time for me to just take a break and relax. I don’t even have enough time to take a step back from everything and try to make up a plan. but i suppose that’s what I’m doing right now. taking a step back and attempting to relax. but even now I have to make a christmas list for my mum which seems like it should totally NOT be something that I’m stressing about but for some reason I’ve just been putting it off and it’s taking me so long to think about what I want. probably cause I feel like I have too much stuff anyway… I guess I don’t really need anything. but there’s always that continuous cycle of WANTING things right? it’s like it’s a hobby or a way to entertain yourself. by shopping, getting new things that you don’t need. like I keep buying all of these clothes because I just want to have them. not necessarily because I can wear them but because I want to buy something. I think part of that is trying to give myself motivation to lose weight. cause that’s really been bothering me. I’m overweight now and I’ve been trying to lose weight but I just keep eating and keep not exercising and keep saying “I’ll start exercising tomorrow, I’ll stop snacking/eating all the time tomorrow…” and I just don’t. but then I buy all these cute clothes that I really like but that I just don’t feel good in because my thighs are huge and my arms are flabby and my tummy is poochy and my butt is ginormous. and I buy them in sizes that could technically fit but I just don’t FEEL good in them. so I say, “I’ll wear this when I’ve lost 30 pounds.” which isn’t healthy i suppose. I guess I should stop doing that. I think also part of buying clothes that are a little too small is cause I don’t want to admit that I went from a size 0-2 to a size 10 in 2.5 years. is that denial? I suppose it is. And I just don’t know how to get rid of all this fat. cause I have NO time. with my job and college apps (that I’ve barely worked on at all) and my two APs and one hard seminar class plus photography homework stuff and practicing two instruments… jesus. it’s just too much to do all that AND get an hour of exercise every day. and of course because I don’t have time to exercise, I just eat more because I feel like I’ll never get to my goal weight and there’s no use. and then that affects the way I feel just in general. Like I like this guy and I think he doesn’t like me because I’m fat and I think that he’d like me better once I lost the weight. But obviously that’s not the case. I don’t know maybe it is but it’s not something I should be saying to myself. I just feel bad about it all the time. And it’s terrible because I’m trying to get all of this stuff done and get my life together but I just can’t because I’m constantly worrying about what people think about me and whether they can see my fat folds when I bend over.
and then today was just shit. it was just a shitty day from the very start and I hate days like this because I don’t like to complain about that kind of thing. and now I find myself complaining and I don’t mean to I just don’t know how else to let it out. I mean I could draw or something but that’s completely gone from my skills at the moment. I don’t have enough space in my brain right now to be thinking about that. which sucks cause i LOVE to draw. I love it! It’s what I do! Like I do piano, I do art. but I also do school and I suppose that’s more important right now. I just need to get through like… January. and then I think I can relax. well maybe… cause then there’s AP tests in like march or something? april? yeah. well I guess it’s just a few more months. then I can relax and read some of the books on my long list of To-Reads.
I suppose what I’ll do now is go on listography and make some lists of the things I have to do so I can actually feel like it’s all actually manageable.
I guess this helped me a little. It was good to get some of this off of my chest. I’m still mega-stressed but at least I got it mostly all out.
maybe I’ll try some breathing exercises too. that should help.
i so so wanted this dress back when they had it at urban a couple years ago..
(Source: Laughing Squid)
She is perfect as always <3
dammit jen why you gotta be so gorg
Ethereal Oil Paintings by Meghan Howland
Girls bodies and the hands that feel them